And she was Swingin'...just a swingin!

I'm posting an update. It's been just over a week and have fully been hit with the mood swings associated with a total thyroidectomy. I'm really hating these mood swings, like HATING the mood swings. It doesn't help that my monthly nemesis PMS has decided to show up for a visit. Oh yeah. Life is good in my household. LOL

When the Dr. opened me up and got to the tumor he found that it wasn't just the size expected but considerably bigger. He decided then and there to take the whole thyroid.

The pathology is not completely back yet. The Dr visit yesterday was frightening. He said that there were test results that had been sent out for a 2nd opinion. He did not discuss any of the returned results yet.

So, I'm scared. I have a friend who had her thyroid removed the day after mine. Her path results were back on last week Thursday. The Dr. didn't call today. He said he'd call when he got the results.

I go back to PT for the impinged shoulder/torn rotator cuff tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to that so much. I actually enjoy the movement, and the walk there feels good. I am gonna get this all fixed up!

I'm going to go take some meds, and then I'm going to set morning alarms so that I won't miss PT.

Today is the day.

Goodbye to my thyroid. It was not doing it's job so well , and it's gotta go.

My friend picks me up in a couple hours, and I'll go on to get prepped for the surgery.

I am starving, and I never get hungry in the morning.

I'm looking forward to posting as soon as able that they got all the cancer and that all I need to do is heal up!

I played the Cancer card today.

Today I played the Cancer card for the first time.

I have an acquaintance that has a lot of issues. She comes to me and I listen, and listen and listen some more.
I had to go pee really bad, and it just popped out of my mouth, instead of standing there, shifting my weight from side to side, and getting antsy, I said, "I am so sorry that you have so much on your plate. I'd love to help you out, but I'm a little overwhelmed with dealing with my own issues. I have cancer." I then looked at her and she kind of swallowed uncomfortably and then I smiled and went in my apartment, and peed.

An update on my dummy stupid shoulder. It's still a dummy stupid shoulder. I'm doing the exercises. It still hurts, but I'm progressing. When I'm strapped down for surgery I hope they don't use the stupid arm to pump the meds in me. I'm gonna be annoyed if it gets even dumber because of the surgery.

Oh. I get a little freaked out now that I know it's less than a week away. EEKS!

Today

I woke up today, and puttered around, the last time I did laundry I did it at a friends home, and the clothes were slightly damp, so they've been draped all over my apartment. This morning I walked around with a pile of hangers on my arm, and hung up the ones that needed to be hung up and folded the rest.

It seems like it's just like any other day of the week, I feel like I've been off work for FORFREAKINGEVER. My shoulder hurts a little less every day. Taking Naproxen seems to help more than the Vicoden since it's working on the swelling and Vicoden just handles the pain.

I saw the surgeon about the mass. There was a biopsy, and a frozen section, and a call back. It all came back positive. I went in and got all the preadmission testing done. Heard all the stuff about what could change, but really I was ok. If you had looked in the dictionary, you would have seen my picture next to the word stoic.

It's kind of funny. I walk around and feel very much at peace. Then at times it's a "Wow. I have cancer. I have a 3.6cm mass of cancer."

I have also noted that when you say the word cancer lots and lots. It doesn't even make sense as a word anymore. I'm also in awe at how much mucous gets made when crying. Just absolutely in awe.

I want to shake my fist at people who whine because they can't find the granola bars they want in Target, and say "Really? Your world is coming to a stop because you can't find your granola bar? I have cancer!"

I want to cry and tell my sister to stop making this about her, because it's not. It's about me. I don't really care if there's death and sadness around her. I have cancer. She didn't cause it.

I am clinging. CLINGING. to this... it's papillary cancer, the surgeon said he believes it's fully encapsulated. This kind of cancer has a 97% survival rate. He doesn't even think I'm going to need radiation or chemo.

So, if you get cancer. Pick this kind.

I think I'll go cry for a while now.

Oh how easy it is...

I'm working on recouperating from this stupid shoulder injury.

I've been a good girl, taking my medicine and doing what I'm supposed to do for therapy exercises.

Today, I hoisted a laundry basket. I got scolded. Several times. By people I care about.

I'm sorry!

I'm now taking my clothes out of the laundry baskets a little bit by little bit.

I have to make my bed and shower. I shall sleep a sleep of the drugged.

I do want to say how much it would me me happy if I could sleep on my right side. 500 mg of Vicoden could make that happen, but it wouldn't help with the whole spasm thing.


OH. Walgreens has some sort of deal with buying a King size heating pad and some sort of ibuprophen or acetominophen product getting you some cash back to spend elsewhere... the king size heating pad is the way to go!

Two thumbs up on that one!

Zen and the art of breathing.

Ok, so it's not exactly Zen, but my therapist ROCKS. (and so do you, PK for suggesting this!)

My first visit with him was because I had been feeling absolutely overwhelmed with life. My Father passed away on Aug 22, and then my Uncle David, and then my Grandmothers sister. I was feeling as if I were the very pawn of grief. Literally I would be watching something that made me laugh and I would feel tears rolling down my face.

He told me that grief lives in one part of your brain, and when you feel overwhelmed with grief a trick that can break that tearful cycle is to imagine that air in being inhaled on one side of your nose, and then to exhale out the other side. Then you inhale again, only inhaling thru the side you just exhaled from. You repeat the cycle until you find yourself calm.

Because I was also not sleeping, he told me to imagine a large blackboard, and write on it the number 100. And then breathe in and exhale. Then to mentally erase the number, inhale, exhale, and write 99 on the board. Repeat that cycle until sleeping.

A week after I started counseling I fell. You can read previous posts about the whole gracefulness of the fall. I have been struggling with the medications that I'm taking in a big way. I think that I am actually depressed. He said to wake up and say to myself, "I am a child of the light, a golden shield surrounds me, only good can come in and only good can come out." When I start to jump on myself for certain flaws that only I see, I stop and say that small prayer. It helps.

Now, for the opportunity to actually either have the meds work, or to have the meds no longer be needed!

Quick Thursday update

Yes, I know it's late.

Physical Therapy was not terrible. I'm glad to get that going. The therapist stated that it would take about 6 weeks to get my shoulder back.

Back to valium, only I've got lots of exercises to do now.

I'm in a better place. It's good. The mental therapist gave me a lot of tips on doing things to help me walk through this stage of life.

The emotional wringer

Today I'm a mess. I took the Valium this morning like I'm supposed to, I woke up in pretty much agony over the stupid stupid shoulder. I took it with food and it didn't seem to make me sleepy.

My issues today are that I cannot stop crying. I think about everything and then I cry. I am an emotional wreck. It's ok, I am holding on. I'm now having a huge aversion to my phone. Everytime it rings there's a person on the other end with a new appointment for me. Is this ever going to end? Am I going to spend the rest of my life doctoring for this?

I don't like this. One. Bit.

Floating

Just a quick update I cannot stand anymore Valium. It's a cruel sleepy Mistress.

Today I voted. I felt like I'd really accomplished something considering I had to sober up to do it. I was afraid that I'd find a nice comfortable place to lay down on the sidewalk as I walked to my polling place.

Today I took stock of my funds and what needs to get paid. Yup I'm short. Of course being off work means no money coming in. So this means dipping into savings. Yippie, Skippie!

My attitude is improving, and that's a good thing. My life is a blessing, each day as it comes, I can do this!

Thyroid, Schmyroid

Almost 2 weeks ago I had a full body Catscan. Why would something like that have happened to a mild mannered insurance agent? It's because I'm a klutz, and slipped on wet blacktop in the parking lot at work. When My shoulder started to hurt, and I couldn't use it, I went to the ER at a local hospital. They got me in right away, I didn't even have to sit in the waiting room.

I laid there, throwing up from the pain for about an hour, and then the Dr came in and looked me over and then told me I'd have the pleasure of xrays. Apparently he twitched while putting them in the computer because the only thing that didn't get xrayed was my head. They came in and gave me two vicoden, and I proceeded to throw up from the Vicoden. Then they gave me something for the nausea. After tons of xrays and a Catscan he came back and told me that there were no breaks. BUT (I love the BUT) my thyroid had a calicification on it, and it has dropped beneath my sternum.

Fast Forward to followup visit a week ago. Dr is concerned, contacts endocrinologist, who says to get an ultrasound of it. So since that was a "regular" Dr visit I have to make another app't for the following day where the Dr. also assesses my sore shoulder. My shoulder is in spasm along with my back. More vicoden and this time Flexeril. I float and twitch in pain on and off for the next few days because I can't take it continuously as I have appointments and things that I need to drive for. Since I have a strong reaction to the Vicoden I have to be off it for at least 12 hours before I feel safe driving.

I had the ultrasound on Thursday, blood work two days prior to that ( thanks, I appreciated the pain of the tech digging around for my vein that rolled on her ).

Today, I find out that my thyroid has a 3.5 cm mass on it. They aren't even going to bother with a biopsy. Now the endocrinologist is not going to see me, I get to see a surgeon. Welcome to new meds too. Valium, cholesterol stuff, and blood sugar stuff. No more flexeril 'cuz of the Valium, apparently I can get a refill of Vicoden if I need to!

Meanwhile I'm off work, no paycheck off work. I won't get paid again for 30 days when they pay me for disability, and only a small portion.

My brakes are dying on my pos car. So, those of you who thought that I'd given up blogging, well, I'm baaack. I've gotta have a place to put all this stuff down.